The worries of a mom, then and now

Worry. I think I could have earned a PhD in "worry" during my pregnancy. I exercised my brain down Worry Boulevard, contemplating every possible "what if" and horrible scenario known to woman. Why waste time spending energy on imaginary circumstances when I could just be enjoying the present, you ask? That is my exact sentiment now as I look back at that terribly anxious, worried period. But back then, I was so far engulfed in the sea of worry that it was hard to see the ocean through the waves.

Why was I Soooo Worried?
Up until then, I had spent the last decade pursuing athletic, art and music dreams, leading a fairly care-free life. My only real responsibilities were bills, a marriage, dogs and a few plants. Yet I came from a family of caring people who also exercised their fair share of worrying. So when I became pregnant and unsure about my future, it only seemed natural to worry.

I had already made some interesting decisions and mistakes in my life which led me to worry that I may not make the best parenting decisions. I knew I wanted to be the best Mom ever, providing the best and healthiest choices for my child. But what if I made the wrong choice that would affect my baby's health? How could I purchase the safest, eco-friendly baby gear on our limited budget? I hadn't spent much time around babies in years so how would I know what to do and furthermore, how to distinguish if it is wrong or right? Additionally, from a selfish perspective, I wanted to remain an athlete/artist/musician, maintain the fun lifestyle my husband and I created in the mountains, and ultimately remain distinguishable to my pre-baby self so that when my child grew up, I still had my own life to keep me occupied. Additionally, I hadn't a strong faith in the world at the time as it was, so my cynicism and doubt mixed with my raging hormones to create the ultimate list of worries.

Let the Flood Gates Open!
It all started with my missed period. Oh crap! For three years we had successfully used the natural family planning method. I had been diligent, taking my morning temperature and recording changes in my body year after year, in effort to avoid hormones (which made me bonkers) and un-pleasurable barrier methods. That was three years until I got sick, stressed-out, and didn't take necessary precautions required by my method during such life and bodily changes. And so my husband and I embarked on our new adventure of parenthood earlier than we had planned. And like many men I know, he sandwiched his bit of stress for this unplanned journey between two slices of "calm" and "reasonable." I, on the other hand, took on the attitude and unpredictability of an off-balanced banshee and the worries and paranoia of an overprotective mother bear on sensory-heightening drugs. So my training for my Olympic gold in worries began.

The initial worries were like every other pregnant mom: What vitamins should I take? Which doctor should I use? Will that beer I drank before I knew I was pregnant affect my baby? But then the worries began to vortex, amplifying themselves to be bigger and more intense: How will I teach my baby about sex? Will there be safe water to drink for my baby in years to come? What if there is a draft when my baby is 18? What is a safe car for my kid to drive at 16? The more I worried, the more the worries came. With each worry, there was another tailgating behind it that was more horrific and was aimed further into time than the previous one. Will this carpet omit harmful carcinogens into my baby that will turn into cancer years from now? What if someone kidnaps my baby?What if I die during childbirth and my husband is left to raise my child alone?

When I reflect on it now, I realize it was sad that I couldn't just wholly enjoy being pregnant and instead focused a lot of energy on these morbid thoughts. But at the same time, I am oddly intrigued with how quickly I generated this internal library of worries in a mere few days (too bad those worries weren't money-making ideas!). That said, the worries continued to easily flow through my mind throughout my pregnancy (and ultimately into motherhood). And since my pregnancy and parenting credo is based on doing things as naturally as possible, my worries also included the outcome of non-traditional choices: Midwife and home birth or obstetrician and hospital birth? If hospital, natural birth or epidural? All organic and natural bedding and clothes or the less expensive option of hand-me-downs? Disposable diapers or cloth? and ultimately: How will all of these choices affect the health of my baby?

All in all, my worries were my effort to control the uncontrollable and to be as prepared as possible should something go horribly wrong. By being in control and prepared at all times, I assumed I could avoid any pain and sadness and would be able to provide the "perfect" life for my child. I mean, how could I possibly live with myself if I made the wrong choice and my child was left to suffer? That thought haunted me.

Yet my worries and acts to be overly prepared did not shield me from the problems of pregnant and new-parent life, despite my guardian angels' efforts. I had some bumps and blips including uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms, a long home birth with minor implications, loss of work producing major financial woes, two neighborhood fires, the loss of my grandmother, a major split in my family, two childhood diseases, and two major relocations. And my worries? Though my terrible ones did not materialize, many others came true. Perhaps I focused too hard on them and brought them to fruition? Overall, living with such a burden of anxiety and stress thinking about what can go wrong was tiresome and prevented me from fully enjoying my wonderful daughter to the fullest.

Worry and Fear versus Calm Response
And now after much self-refection, self-help readings, non-denominational spiritual guidance, and lifestyle changes over the last year, I am proud to announce that my worries have greatly decreased. Oddly enough, so have the dilemmas. I sought guidance from a life coach/hypnotherapist who gave me daily practices and worked with me through some of my fears. Then I sought a non-denominational spiritual guide to give me some answers and healing techniques. Together, coupled with daily practice and support from my husband, I have lovingly become accepting of the things I cannot change. Now I'm focusing on what I want to have happen and the wonderful things in my life now versus the things I don't. I realize that all of those bumps in the road were invaluable lessons and I feel grateful for the education. I am spending any "worry" time with appreciating what I have now, especially my beautiful, smart, and healthy 18 month old, my family, friends, and environment. Occasionally I will get a whim of some disaster or epidemic and a waves of nerves travel up my spine. But then I counteract them with a deep breath, reason, and knowing that worrying about "what if's" won't help me to be the best mom I can be.

New parents and pregnant mommies can worry simply because there is no shortage of things to worry about in this world. And most parents will go the the Earth's end to make their child's life wonderful. But as I now know, worrying simply for the sake of thinking it will help is a useless investment of energy and time. If there truly is something horrible to worry about, now I simply decide if it is something that will really affect me. If so, then I do some research and weigh the options. I sit with my gut on making sound choices on how to deal with it versus reacting out of fear and panic. And if I decided that the worry is something sensationalized by the media and has nothing to do with my immediate life, then I just let it go. Who knows? This may not be the best way to act, but so far it has helped me enjoy my today instead of panicking about tomorrow.